Star Wars – Industrial Trite and Tragic

In the wake of the news that Disney has bought Lucasfilm, there has been great excitment and great despair. We saw it as an opportunity to think of the new stories the franchise could tell…

My So-Called Light-Side – Angsty high school drama set in the Jedi training academy where young padawans deal with the tough issues like ‘Should I tell the counsel that Scarlet has a membrosia problem?’ and ‘My parents just don’t get it… that I could destroy them anytime, from anywhere, with my mind.’

The Emperor Builder – A seedy, closed-door-deal look at galactic Senators and their staff on the campaign trail.  Ambitious rebel spin-doctor Jorge Lucan, former head of PR for the Jedi counsel, vies desperately to try and convince a reluctant Luke to become the new-era face of the Rebellion.  Rebellion insiders and remaining imperial opposition begin to vilify Luke as a violent relic of a war that the galaxy is desperately trying to move on from. 

Skywalker vs Skywalker – As the hullabaloo of the war settles, the clearing-up and ticking boxes begins. It’s a decade after the explosion of the Death Star, and the administrative dust has finally settled.  In turns out that Anakin amassed quite a fortune in his time as Vader that had remained protected from reclamation via some smart fiduciary conniving by imperial accountants.  Luke and Leia are now embroiled in a legal battle for the cash.  Luke wants the whole sum to go to rebuilding war-affected outer planets as penance for their father’s evil, but Leia and Han, now married and running a failing cargo service really need the money to boost their struggling business and support their child, who was born with severe physical disabilities as a result of space VD that Han had contracted.

The Princess Diaries – It’s such a drag to grow up as the only princess in town. Leia Organa is a bit of a tomboy – a tough girl who doesn’t care about boys or make-up, and won’t be seen dead at the Alderaan High School Prom. But her parents want her to act more like the royalty she is. Cue a ludicrously extended montage sequence in which she learns to eat with the right knife, climb out of a cab without flashing and shake hands with dignitaries. But at the crucial moment we realise her true self is the one that will shine though and save the day.

Cantina – Set in the sunny pirate city of Mos Eisley, this is the “wretched hive of scum and villainy” where everybody knows your name. We share life’s up and downs with a rag-tag bundle of rambunctious pals. Each episode features a new song from the house band.

Dude, Where’s my Falcon? – Lando Calrissian, Chewbacca and Han Solo wake up pretty wasted and have no idea where they’ve left that darned Millennium Falcon…

The Star Wire – Away from the glitz and glamour of intergalactic insurrection a ten-part television series follows the ins and outs of a seedy police operation to bring down a downtown drug ring in a space city that is down on luck. A set of grizzled detectives pick their way through the underworld tapping spacephones to gather evidence. All of this is against the backdrop of a police service obsessed with pleasing the politicians that is constantly obstructing the progress of this heroic operation. Boba Fett makes an occasional appearance as a terrifying hit man and rogue drug dealer with a reputation that precedes him where ever he’s going. “Boba’s coming.”

Post-Revolutionary Road – Han and Leia have tried to escape the trauma of their young lives and settle down in a nice suburb. The kids have grown up and left and Leia and Han have realised that they will never experience anything to match the thrill of their young lives.  Leia has become addicted to speed and Han spends his days drinking whisky and shooting at the television with his laser pistol. Until one day Luke swans in to get Han’s help with one last mission.

The Ghost at the Feast – Obi Wan and Anakin Skywalker’s ghosts open a restaurant we follow the ups and downs that come with a new business, with hilarious results.

2 thoughts on “Star Wars – Industrial Trite and Tragic

  1. i love this but feel there’s an opportunity to play up the obvious association between Emperor Palpatine and Jimmy Saville. As well as countless Rent-a-ghost opportunities. Not to mention ghostbusters v Jedi ghosts in the spirit of Alien vs. Predator, only you know, good, and featuring Bill Murray.

  2. ‘Luke…use the Forks’
    In this new edition of the Star Wars saga, we meet Luke Skywalker. Having vanquished the Sith Lord Darth Sidious, Luke finds himself in need of a new job. So he comes to Earth and takes up work as a chef in a busy London restaurant. Will Luke be able to assimilate into normal life without using the force…or will the lure of his Jedi past be too powerful…

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